THE FAMILY SYSTEM
As single members of a family, we are inclined to accept that it is the way it is, just because it is but in fact, the family system is the product of numerous generations of attitudes, values and traditions that we are born into without any say so. In this module we going to study the family systems, how they function, why they function the way they do, and what effects alcohol and other drugs have on the system.
Structure of the Family Unit
The rules, expectations, genes, traditions, attitudes, values, looks, habits, expressions, feelings, systems, boundaries ... all are passed down from at least four different sources to the current nuclear family and its members.
We are deeply affected by a variety of influences that come from as far back as our great grandparents, whether we knew them or not, whether they were alive or not in our lifetime.
The values and attitudes they held; the culture and behavior they shared; the morals and talents and looks they had are all passed on to us. Some in small increments, others in large.
The Family is the basis for all other organizations, and before we further discuss the family, we need to examine and get aa understanding of other types of organizations that exist in our society.
COMMUNITY and ORGANIZATION
In his wonderful book THE DIFFERENT DRUM: Community Making and Peace, (Simon & Schuster -1987), M. Scott Peck beautifully describes the difference between community and organization, and how each is formed and prospers. He states that Community happens when a need or crisis arises, and Organization develops from Community
We humans react to situations based on how we have learned from our family of origin to survive, and what circumstances or environment are present.
Societal organizations develop and are formed as a direct result of outside forces, along With internal or personal forces that are present.
It is usually a crisis, the need to survive, a want or need-, a disaster, or a basic huma~ desire that precedes structure, community and organization. Consider some examples of Crisis -Survival -Want -Disaster -Desire:
Crisis: Stock market crash in '29 resulted in a group of leaders getting together to make rules to prevent a repeat. A community of concerned persons developed into the SEC, a government ORGANIZATION to oversee and control the market.
Survival: A little girl falls down an open drainage pipe. The whole town turns out IN A COMMUNITY EFFORT to rescue the child. When the crisis of survival has passed the COMMUNITY IS dissolved, and an ORGANIZATION is formed to prevent the incident from happening again.
Want: Citizens of area are concerned about clean air. They form a COMMUNITY and force their appointed or elected leaders to ORGANIZE an effort to face the needed want.
Disaster: An earthquake in Chile/ Mexico/San Francisco mobilizes people to form a COMMUNITY to assist victims. No leaders, no organization, no dues, no fees, no rules...just help. ORGANIZATION comes later, in form of Red Cross to give out clothes, housing, food, etc. Chiefs, workers, money, prestige, position, power develop.
Desire: There's nice weather; it's Picnic Time; you have friends who enjoy one another; someone says: "Let's have a party! A COMMUNITY is formed ... no leaders .. no dues ... no fees .. no rules .. no structure .. just individual input and ideas ..
The party happens, everyone's delighted, then: "Let's do this next year !"; and an informal ORGANIZATION is formed to make it happen again.
OPEN AND CLOSED COMMUNITIES and ORGANIZATIONS
Some organizations are open to all or most; closed communities are for the members of that community only. Some of the following are examples of open and closed communities or organizations:
Governments ... Companies ... Unions '" Military Units ... Towns Societies ... Religious Organizations ... Nations ... Tribes ...
Which of the above are open; which are closed?
All follow the same pattern of handing down, passing on traditions, values, attitudes, boundaries, rules and expectations.
Healthy units consist of members who know and accept the rules, values, expectations and boundaries of the group or community; and the community values, respects and protects the rights and wisdom of its members. Are these examples of healthy units: USA? IBM? USMC? New Guinea Trib? AA? UAW? Catholic Monks and Nuns?
Unhealthy units contain members who do not know the rules, or are confused about the expectations and personal boundaries of the community, or are put upon unfairly by those entrusted with authority, or are given one set of values to live by and see that a different set of values apply to the rule-makers.
Rebellion and revolution set in after the members of the group can no longer abide the confusion and dichotomy. Some members of an unhealthy community will rebel and revolt, throw sticks at the tanks, yell into the TV cameras, and either succeed in their efforts or possibly die trying. Others may sit back and wait, hoping it won't get worse, but accepting the situation because they don't know what else to do, and feel powerless to do or say anything. Others may try to join the power source and enjoy the acceptance of being approved by the rule-makers.
Still others will get up and leave the situation as soon as possible and go on with their life in another community, but will take most of their culture, values and traditions with them to their new group, in hopes the "good" of the old can be transferred to the "needs" of the new.
Some members of the group will withdraw into self, taking up art or literature or some other mode of expression to relieve the pain of the confusion, and with a dream-like hope of changing the situation through their own efforts. Still others will not be able to cope with the pain, and will seek out some method of blocking out the unpleasant reality. What an individual does and how he/she does it may depend on learned survival skills, but more than likely on the personality type of the individual.
Some examples of unhealthy communities:
China today; South Africa of the recent past; Nazi Germany; some federal, state and local government agencies that lie to their workers and the taxpayers; some quasireligious organizations such as the Soldiers of God, the Davidians, Scientology and others.
THE FAMILY SYSTEM and its SUBSYSTEMS
At the outset, a COMMUNITY is formed to meet the needs of survival, crisis, desire, want ... it evolves into ORGANIZATION as structure is deemed required and/or traditionally mandated by members of the COMMUNITY.
From the Caveman who had to survive against forces of Nature; to Tribes needing protection from other Tribes; to nations needing or perceiving NEEDS for survival; to religious groups needing to convert others ALL COME FROM THE ORIGINAL FAMILY SYSTEM, SUBSYSTEMS and COMMUNITY / ORGANIZATION.
A CLOSED COMMUNITY/ORGANIZATION-MEMBERS ONLY On the meeting of two persons, a number of natural things can happen, if they are lucky: Attraction ... Desire... Need ... Want. COMMUNITY IS FORMED ... both parties are on their best behavior ... there is respect and value of one another's person ... courtesy is shown ... leadership and rules are set aside for the moment ... attention to the other's needs is foremost ... rigid traditions are flexible for a time ... if the needs and feelings of both are mutual, COMMUNITY is formed to meet those needs.
When the COMMUNITY is healthy, it stays COMMUNITY. Organization, with rules and leadership and dues, is unnecessary. Mutual respect, courtesy, the other's rights and values are honored, and COMMUNITY survives.
MARITAL SUBSYSTEM:
Husband and Wife (Lovers) form COMMUNITY.
Duties, Roles, Rules, Expectations, Boundaries are understood, agreed to and approved by both parties, based on traditions, attitudes and learned behavior from both families of origin and society. This MARITAL SUBSYSTEM (MS) is a CLOSED
COMMUNITY ... open to MEMBERS ONLY
PARENTAL SUBSYSTEM:
ORGANIZATION becomes necessary when another member is brought into the MARITAL SUBSYSTEM (MS). MS COMMUNITY + Child = ORGANIZATION
Duties, Roles, Rules, Expectations, Boundaries are understood, agreed to and approved by all parties, based on traditions, attitudes and learned behavior from family of origin and society.
SIBLING SUBSYSTEM:
Children/Offspring of the Community/Organization form their own
community/organization to survive and fulfill needs not met by the nuclear family unit.
THIS IS A CLOSED COMIVIUNITY FOR AWHILE, AND THEN OTHERS ARE INCLUDED (FRIENDS, PEERS) AS ADJUSTMENTS IN NEEDS, AGE AND MATURITY DICTATE.
The above marital, parental and sibling subsystems come about as a result of the natural order of society to meet needs, desires and wants that make survival tenable.
ENTER alcohol AND / OR OTHER DRUGS
The Marital Subsystem suffers from a breakdown in boundaries, expectations, rules, and mutual respect. Confusion sets in. The CLOSED system is breached with infidelity and oftentimes incest.
Agreed to ways of doing things are denied, ignored or neglected. One partner in the closed community begins taking over the responsibilities, role and duties of the other. Resentment, anger, hurt and confusion result. Rebellion, revolt, withdrawal, denia, escape takes place, depending on the personality, background, traditions from the family of origin, and survival skills and needs of the injured partner.
The once-healthy family unit of community becomes unhealthy and takes on the formation of a survival ORGANIZATION with new rules, structure and non-compliant members who themselves become dysfunctional. Roles learned from FAMILY OF ORIGIN take over.
The Parental Subsystem breaks down. Boundaries are unclear. Decisions are unpredictable, unfair and one-sided. Confusion, fear, hurt, and anger
take over in order for members to survive and escape the pain.
The CLOSED COMMUNITY is opened to outsiders for need to survive: grandparents, friends, social workers, other family members are asked in, or are required to step in.
The once-healthy family unit of community is destroyed by the abdication and/or neglect of roles and the blurring of boundaries. Children become parents, and parents become children. (Parentified Child). Roles learned from FAMILY OF ORIGIN take over.
The Sibling Subsystem becomes rigid, confused, uncertain. Parenting is ignored and neglected. Some siblings take on parent and adult roles they are unschooled in and unsure of. Boundaries are unclear, uncharted, changing constantly. Fear of survival sets in. Marital subsystem allowed to dissolve incest, promiscuity, public and private behavior problems surface, peers from other dysfunctional family units are sought out and developed .
Healthy parental discipline is missing or unpredictable and is taken over by an older or more mature sibling, and while oftentimes well-intentioned and caring, is usually misguided and harmful.
New roles develop within the family unit to meet the individual need and fears of each member, according to the personality type, age, size of the family, degree of dysfunction, and status of each member .... based on learned behavior from nuclear family as well as historical traditions passed down from families of origin.
EXAMPLES OF FAMILY/COMMUNITY RULES
Every family has certain rules about the simplest procedures, such as:
Expressing feelings of Love, Hurt, Anger. Who can express their feelings, and when? How are they expressed? How and by whom are they received? Are they accepted, laughed at, frowned at, understood, rejected?
Who can speak to whom about what and when? Must it be in private, or is it done publicly, at the dinner table? How are differences expressed? By whom, when, how and to whom? How is self-worth expressed? by whom, when, how and what is or is not appropriate and acceptable?
EXAMPLES OF FAMILY/COMMUNITY BOUNDARIES
There are natural boundaries in each family, community, organization, and some examples of these can be found in what is called : CLEAR Family (Healthy): There is mutual respect that allows separateness, yet maintains closeness, freedom, flexibility.
This type promotes clear and direct communications.
RIGID Family: Little or no flexibility, no differences allowed. Promotes a unity of belonging through sameness. There is a loss of/or discouragement of one's individual identity. With adolescents, one can't find his/her own identity; smothered individuality produces conflict and is reduced by pain relief, drugs, alcohol. An individual's uniqueness is sacrinced for the family's or organization's unity.
A DISENGAGED/DIFFUSED family isolates members from the family unit, and the family from society. The boundaries in this system are:
Do not talk about anything, if possible. Do not confront. Protect and shelter one another so things won't get worse.
This system perpetuates drinking, drugging, and other dysfunctional behavior, thereby maintaining the need for further isolation.
UNHEALTHY, UNCLEAR BOUNDARIES may result in the following:
Marital subsystem reaches and maintains a fixed distance
Children develop lack of sense of belonging
Healthy love not transmitted
Low self-esteem and self-worth develops
Drugs and alcohol relieve pain of rejection and confusion
Inappropriate behavior develops to gain attention
Anger-Joy-Sexuality is openly expressed only under the influence of alcohol, drugs
or a major crisis of some kind.
EXAMPLES OF DIFFERING VALUES IN NUCLEAR FAMILY
Each family values different things, dependent on the families of origin, the society, and the interests brought into the community. Athletics -musical ability -money -work education -power -control -winning -social status -conservatism -liberalism radicalism -religion -male dominance -female dominance -etc., are examples of what a family might value.
There may arise a conflict in values when parent's families of origin values differ greatly from one another, and little or no communication exists to resolve the conflict. Some values are adopted to gain approval from one or the other parent.
A MODERN PHENOMENA -THE BLENDED or RECONSTITUTED FAMILY
The 1990 US Census showed that 21 % of all families were "Stepfamilies", and it estimated that, by the year 2000, half of all US families would be "Stepfamilies."16 Although the next Census did not specifically identify the number of stepfamiJies in 2000, other national organizations confirm that over 50% of US families are now remarried or "re-coupled," and claim that 1,300 new stepfamilies are forming every day.17
This "mate changing" situation has caused a blurring of family roles unlike anything seen before, as new caregivers with no biological sense of parental responsibility and the affected children of the "new family" are forced into roles that are more often than not quite confusing.
The failure rate of these stepfamilies, estimated at 67 %, can be even more damaging to the children than the first divorce; but with counseling, a rate of success of 84 % can be realized. 18
Values of the Nuclear Family
The family system has been studied since the ancient Greeks, Romans and Egyptians made it a science, and before that, in Biblical times. Recently, a host of thoughtful people have given names and labels to describe the various roles and values played out in the family structure. Some of these are outlined below. For further study, it is suggested that the student search out the writings of those persons listed herein.
DEPENDENT ON FAMILY OF ORIGIN RELATIONSHIP
(Framo-1976)
1) OVERINVOLVED: an inter-dependency that excludes outsiders
2) SUPERFICIAL: infrequent, non-personal contact in ceremony
and family rituals only
3) CUT OFF: survival technique to maintain sanity..high chance of repeating
irrational pattern
4) DIFFERENTIATION/INDIVIDUATION: identity of individual established prior to leaving family unit-clear boundaries-parents solve own problems wlo bringing children into fray. Children have no need to stay OR escape '" neither over attached nor angry rebellion, sense of belonging, balanced with respect for independence. Parents love enough to let go when appropriate.
16 Brothers, Joyce "Terrible Family Secrets", Parade Magazine, August 14,1994. 17 Stepfamily Foundation, 333 West End Avenue, New York, NY 10023. Retrieved from www.stepfamily.org.
FAMILY HOMEOSTASIS (Balance I Equilibrium)
(D.O. Jackson-1957)
"Common bond that runs thru families -a balancing behavior -an equilibrium that shifts in response to changes that occur within the family and from forces outside the family."
(Ewing and Fox-1968)
'The alcoholic marriage is a homeostatic mechanism that is established to resist change over long periods of time. The behavior of each spouse is rigidly controlled by the other. As a result, an effort by one person to alter typical role behavior threatens the family equilibrium and provokes renewed efforts by the spouse to maintain the status quo. "
(Wegscheider-1981 )
" Family balance is often achieved in the alcoholic family with drinking as a central point. When the drinking is removed thru treatment, the family in thrown into turmoil as if it were a mobile in a windstorm. Mom is not needed as the overly responsible martyr...brother has no reason to stay away from home and must reevaluate his relationship with dad...little sister's hyperactivity is noticed ..."
(V.Satir-1967)
PLACATER -usually spouse of CD. Reduces tension by smoothing things over. The martyr who adapts to other dominant member and loses self-identity. Avoids confrontation of behavior and denies own emotional needs. Appears helpless and worthless.
BLAMER -the CD person with low self-esteem who attacks to keep focus off self. Blames others and insists that drinking behavior is caused by others behavior. Disagrees and blames, but feels lonely, guilty, and unsuccessful.
DISTRACTERlIRRELEVANT ONE -Avoids conflict by changing the subject, responds inappropriately, distracts others and feels that nobody cares.
SUPER RESPONSIBLE -Ultrareasonable communicator-stays cool, calm, collected but feels vulnerable and unappreciated.
(Don Wegsheider-1981) DEPENDENT-angry-rigid-perfectionist-charming-righteous-grandiose feels guilt, hurt, shame, fear, pain
CHIEF ENABLER -spouse-parent-coworker... provides responsibility but feels hurt, anger, guilt, fear
FAMILY HERO -usually oldest child ...provides family self-worth with hard work, achievement, success; but is often lonely, hurt and feels inadequate because success is for the family, not for self.
SCAPEGOAT -the one who acts out, abuses alcohol/drugs to take focus off Dependent and unsolvable family problem; feels lonely, rejected, hurt
LOST CHILD -Offers relief by not being a problem. Withdraws, is quiet and seemingly independent, but lonely, hurt and feels inadequate.
MASCOT -usually youngest child ... provides fun and humor and distracts family from problems. Protected from reality, but senses the tension and feels insecure, fearful and lonely.
(Claudia Black.1981)
Two (2) Categories of children and Three (3) types of Role behavior
1) Misbehaving, obviously troubled children
2) Mature, stable, overachieving, behaving children
SURVIVAL RULES AND ROLES TO PROVIDE OWN STABILITY AND KEEP
FAMILY FUNCTIONAL AND IN ONE PIECE. DON'T TALK ABOUT WHAT'S HAPPENING ... DON'T TRUST ANYONE BUT YOURSELF ... DON'T TRUST YOUR OWN FEELINGS
TYPES OF ROLE BEHAVIOR: 1) Responsible One-provides structure for family; adult-like serious, rigid, inflexible = FAMILY HERO
2) Adjuster-follows directions, flexible to change,
feels powerless to do anything=LOST CHILD
3) Placater-smooths over conflicts, takes care of others,
neglects own needs and feelings=ENABLER
Survives childhood, with short-term goals attained, but can't cope with the long-term goals of adulthood. Often turn to alcohol or drugs, or finds an alcoholic spouse to perpetuate role behavior learned as child. When HOMEOSTASIS is threatened with imbalance, tension results, confusion and pain are present, and the family members take on various roles to cope with the pain and bring family back into balance.
COPING MECHANISMS FOR VARIOUS FAMILY ROLES
FLIGHT-avoids situation by staying away from home, hiding in room, running away, getting married early, blocking memory, turning to religion
FIGHT-acts out aggressively, rebels, revolts
PERFECTION-never does anything wrong. Minds parents, and excels in school
SUPERCOPER-Parentified child who feels responsible for other family members.
From the Addiction Profesional/Manual for Counselor Competency Breining Institute www.breining.edu
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